


Fooling Yourself

by coldflashwavebaby



Series: Love is Pain [3]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Arrow Season 3, Barry Allen Works For The SCPD, Barry full on murders someone, Blood Lust, But only if you squint, Flash Season 1, Hinted one-sided Coldflash, M/M, Malcolm and Barry have a weird relationship, Read the rest of the series, Requited Love, Resolved Romantic Tension, Resolved Sexual Tension, Season 3 Finale, just saying, or he used to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8700790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldflashwavebaby/pseuds/coldflashwavebaby
Summary: “Three times around the building. It’s almost like you don’t trust me.” Barry crossed his arms when Malcolm Merlyn emerged from the shadows, his hands clasped behind his back. This felt like a waste of time. He had more important things to think about than Malcolm Merlyn and his dramatics. “I don’t. Why did you ask me to come?” “It’s about Oliver.”  A sequel to Habib and The One you Love





	

           

* * *

 

              Barry thought he’d never see the inside of Nanda Parbat again.

              Not that he’d seen much of it his first time in, mostly just his room, a few halls, the temple, and Oliver’s room. It wasn’t like they gave him a tour or anything.

            But he’d been pretty sure when he woke up in S.T.A.R labs, it’d be the last he’d ever see of both the League of Assassins and Oliver Queen. Clearly, he was wrong.

            The halls of the ancient temple lit up with yellow lightning as he sped through, taking out every assassin in sight. Fire lit up in his chest, and he pushed it down. No bloodlust. Not now.

            He paused only for a moment to stare at the Lazarus Pit, the pool that gave him life, and sneered. Ra’s al Ghul would never use it against someone again, if he had anything to say about it. When he finally made it to the dungeons, he grinned at the excited cries from Team Arrow (with the addition of Malcolm Merlyn and Ray Palmer).

            “Hey, guys.” He greeted. “This is like a real dungeon.”

            “Barry!” Felicity exclaimed from inside their glass-door cell.

            “Mr. Allen, you’re late.” Malcolm raised a disappointed eyebrow that reminded him way too much of Harrison We— _Eobard._ Reminded him of Eobard Thawne.

            Barry scoffed. “Sorry. Even _I_ take a bit of time running across the ocean. Do you want out of here, or not?”

            “YES!” Ray shouted from the back of the cell, and Barry had to hold in a laugh.

            “Alright, stand back.” He held his hands to the glass and vibrated. The cell door shook and buckled, until finally, the glass shattered, and the hinges popped loose. The door fell in, barely missing Dig’s foot. Barry shrugged guiltily before darting around to free his friends from their chains. Once her arms were free, Laurel threw her arms around his neck.

            He hugged her back, remembering how much he missed his friend. “I’m sorry about Sara.” He whispered. The arms around him tightened. They sat there for half a minute, before Malcolm cleared his throat.

            “Unless you’d like for us all to get caught once again, I suggest we move out quickly.”

            He nodded in agreement and helped Laurel to her feet. They all hurried carefully out of the dungeon, every guard they passed either tied up or unconscious. A rush of pride filled Barry at his own work. They burst through the halls and into the armory, where they all began collecting their weapons.

            “Did you take care of all the guards?” Malcolm asked distractedly as he secured his plethora of blades.

            Barry made an affirmative noise, trying to brush away the unease he felt standing in Nanda Parbat.

            “And not to be greedy,” Felicity added, “but we could really use your help on this whole Starling City super virus thing.”

            There it was. The ask for help he’d known was coming. The one that, over a year ago, he’d have accepted in a heartbeat. Now, though…

            “I can’t.”

            Laurel, Felicity, and Dig all stopped what they were doing and stared at him, clearly shocked at his refusal. He couldn’t blame them.

            “Barry, this isn’t about Oliver, is it?” Laurel asked. “Not that we’d blame you if it was after the stunt he’s been pulling…”

            “I can’t…I can’t face Oliver right now.” He answered honestly. “And, anyway, I’m super busy back in Central with a certain yellow speedster, so…”

            That was a lie, of course. Taking down Eobard Thawne had almost been too easy, and it wasn’t like he was going anywhere. But being so near to Oliver’s world after everything that went down between them. From the looks on everyone’s faces, they felt close to the same.

He sighed. Oliver needed their support, now more than ever. Pushing back his feelings, he stepped into his role of Oliver’s personal cheerleader. “Look, I know firsthand that Oliver has been a secret keeping douche recently, and that you all have every right not to trust him. But Malcolm told me Oliver’s plan, and I honestly think that he believes he’s doing the right thing. We can’t fault him for that. He needs us. I would be there helping if I could,” Lie. “but I can’t. You guys, though. You have to have his back. Or Oliver will fail.”

Laurel scoffed. “Wow, Bare. You really do have it _bad_ for him. After everything he’s done, you still defend him.”

A humorless grin grew on his face. “Isn’t that what you do when you love someone? Stand by them, defend them, even when you know they might be wrong? Even after they hurt you? Wouldn’t Oliver stand by us?”

Thoughtful expressions crossed their faces, and Barry knew he had them. “And maybe…maybe I’ll drop by if we all make it. We can all have a drink at Verdant, like old times.”

            He flashed away before anyone could respond. That’d been another lie. In fact, he wasn’t sure he wanted to ever see Oliver again. Even after finding out the truth…

0000000

            The weeks following his resurrection were some of the worst of Barry’s life. Not only did the man he loves drug him and send him away without an explanation, but Dr. Wells—Eobard Thawne—decided to make his move. They tried to trap him, but Thawne was smarter than them, always three steps ahead. He snatched Eddie before Barry could stop him, leaving behind a confused and frantic Iris.

            Then came Grodd, Eobard Thawne’s distraction, and Iris’ confession. She knew that Barry was the Flash. With all that was happening, the entire team was on edge. And then, Grodd took Joe.

            “Why did he insist on going down there with you?” Iris demanded, storming off towards the elevator. “He's always preaching about being safe, but not once does he think about running into danger himself.”

            Barry sighed. “Iris…”

            “No, Barry. He's just a regular cop.” He could see her hands shaking, and he wanted to give her some sort of comfort, but he also knew that it wouldn’t be well received now. “He is not some meta-human with superpowers. He's not _you_.”

            Barry hung his head. She was right. She was so right to be angry at him. It was all his fault, everything. Joe was in danger, Thawne was planning god-knows-what, Oliver was off playing Ra’s al Ghul because of that stupid deal—it was all wrong, and it was all on him. He clenched his fists. He could feel his blood pumping harder through his body, red filled his vision, and the next thing Barry knew he was across the room, his fist buried in the wall. Iris was a few feet to his right, her hands covering her mouth in shock, staring at him with tear-filled eyes.

            Barry trembled as he removed his hand from the hole now in the wall. His knees turned to jelly, and he fell to the floor. Iris rushed to his side.

            “Oh my god, Barry.” She whispered, stroking her fingers through his hair. “Your eyes…it was like you went wild. I thought…oh my god, what happened?”

            Barry stared down at his bloody knuckles; the scratches and scrapes were already healing, but he could still feel the blood rushing. He took a deep breath before answering. “The bloodlust…”

            Iris’ eyes widened. “That’s not a side effect of your powers, is it?”

            A humorless laugh escaped Barry’s lips, and he shook his head. “No, it’s a side effect of resurrection. There are a few other things I need to tell you about.”

           

            So, Barry opened up to his best friend about everything—his time on Team Arrow (“Oliver Queen is the Arrow?!”), his feelings for Oliver (“I knew there was something going on with you two when he came to Central!”), why he returned to Central (“That asshole! I can’t believe he’d use that against you! He is off my three list.”), the League of Assassins and Barry’s death (“Oh my god, Barry…”), and his resurrection and eventual drugged-break-out from Nanda Parbat. He left out the real juicy details, like what happened _before_ the drugging, and what happened when he got whammied by Bivolo, but he knew she would understand him leaving those out. Probably.

            Then, Barry saved Joe and stopped Grodd by leading him out in front of a train. Another meta (did Grodd count as a meta?) stopped, and Barry was once again able to focus on finding Eddie and stopping Thawne.

            Until he received a message from the last human being he ever thought he’d hear from, asking to meet at the warehouse where he and Oliver trained. So, in the dead of night, he snuck out of Joe’s house and flashed away, checking the perimeter thoroughly before going inside.

            “Three times around the building. It’s almost like you don’t trust me.”

            Barry crossed his arms when Malcolm Merlyn emerged from the shadows, his hands clasped behind his back. This felt like a waste of time. He had more important things to think about than Malcolm Merlyn and his dramatics. “I don’t. Why did you ask me to come?”

            “It’s about Oliver.” That definitely got his attention. From the look on Malcolm’s face, he knew it would. “He’s asked me to personally meet with you to beg your assistance.”

            Barry frowned. At this point, he wasn’t sure if he trusted Oliver, much less trusted Malcolm Merlyn. But he nodded anyway, knowing that he would regret not hearing him out.

            “He needs your help breaking some people out of Nanda Parbat.”

            Barry scoffed. “You mean after he roofied me to get me out of there, now he wants me to go back?”

            Malcolm rolled his eyes. “Use your brain, Allen. Ra’s wasn’t going to let you go; not after the way he watched you take out his assassins like they were nothing. You are the perfect weapon for the League—powerful, nearly indestructible, lustful for blood now thanks to the pit, and you hold the heart of the next Ra’s al Ghul.”

            Barry was confused. “What does Oliver’s feelings for me prove?”

            “Feelings are the perfect manipulator. If Ra’s were able to break and weaponize you, Oliver would stay and do whatever was asked of him, as long as you were protected. He would use you to complete Oliver’s rise to Ra’s al Ghul, and we couldn’t let that happen. For mine and Oliver’s plan to succeed, Ra’s couldn’t have any true power over Oliver, which is why he asked me and Detective West to sneak you out. Of course, your friends, Dr. Snow and Mr. Diggle, were more than willing to help, even if neither of them knew the true reasons.”

            “Why didn’t Oliver just tell me that?” Barry asked, somewhat shell-shocked.

            “Would you have left, had you known that Ra’s planned to make Oliver destroy his own city?”

            Barry’s heart nearly stopped. “What?! He’s going to destroy Starling?”

            Malcolm nodded. “Since you escaped, they’re reverting to their original plan to use a bio-weapon, which Oliver and I plan to stop with Ra’s’ death.”

            Barry needed to sit down. He found the closest block of cement to fall onto and rested his head in his hands. This was so much. “Why are you telling me all of this?”

            Malcolm sighed. “Oliver believes that if I am open and truthful with you, you will be more inclined to trust me. And, in return for your trust and assistance, he has asked that I return the favor and assist you with a problem you’re having.”

            Malcolm broke down their plan—simple, quick, and effective. Exactly the kind of plan Oliver would come up with. The assassin gave Barry a small transmitter to contact him with when he needed him, and they slipped away, two co-conspirators in the night.

0000000

            The next day, they found Eddie, stashed away in the particle accelerator. Eobard had outsmarted Barry yet again, hiding him right under his nose. Then, Cisco gave him the worst news: Thawne activated the particle accelerator. If it were to go off, it would kill every meta they had trapped in the pipeline. Barry knew he had to move them, and, with a phone call to Dig and Lyla, he found a place where he could put them—the prison on Lian Yu, with Slade and Digger Harkness.

            When D.A refused to help them with the transport, Barry briefly considered the transmitter in his pocket…before dismissing it. He had bigger fish to fry that he’d need Malcolm Merlyn’s help with. Instead, he paid a visit to a different supervillain.

            “Well, if it isn’t the Scarlet Speedster.”

            Cold was his usual brand of smirky and infuriating as he listened to Barry practically beg for his help.

            “If I’m going to help you out, I’ll need something in return.” 

            God, it was almost worse than dealing with Malcolm Merlyn. “Like what?”

            Cold took a napkin a scribbled something on it before sliding it down the bar to him. “This.”

            When Barry saw what was written, he changed his mind. Cold was _definitely_ worse than Malcolm Merlyn. His cheeks warmed as he pushed the napkin away. “No way. There has to be something else you want than... _that_.”

            Cold chuckled at his embarrassment and shrugged. “Let me think about it.”

           

            Luckily, Cold changed it to something Barry was more willing to give—or rather _take_. Once S.T.A.R labs assisted with wiping every inch of Cold’s criminal records and the metas were stored away, they geared up and headed for Ferris Air, where A.R.G.U.S would meet them with a plane.

            That was the plan.

            Until the power dampeners in the truck holding the metas failed, and the plane was shot from the sky by Mark Mardon.

 Then, it turned into a free for all.

Joe herded Caitlin and Cisco out of the crossfire while Barry faced off against Nimbus, who turned out to be pretty easy to handle this time. Then, Weather Wizard and Deathbolt teamed up against him. And all of the bloodlust he’d bottled up came out.

            His vision went red. Everything was red. He remembered how it felt to get whammied by Bivolo—that fury, the red hot anger burning through his skin, begging to be set free. This was 100x that. Barry wanted blood. He wanted the light to leave the metas’ eyes. Every strike one of them landed urged him on more. He wanted to kill. He wanted to kill them. He wanted…he wanted….

            “BARRY!”

            Something cold threw him back. The red disappeared, and Joe and the Snart siblings were staring down at him with their weapons raised, horror written all over their faces. When Barry glanced to his right, he could see why.

            Deathbolt was dead. Almost ripped to pieces. His eyes wide open, his face frozen with terror. When Barry tried to move away from the body, pain shot through his chest. There was frost covering the front of his suit where Captain Cold shot him in an attempt to…calm him down? Save Deathbolt? Save himself and his sister?

            Barry raised his hands to his eye line and shuddered. Though he couldn’t see it due to the color of his suit, he could smell the metallic sweet smell of the blood covering his gloves. Joe was the first to lower his weapon as he knelt to his son’s side and laid a hand on his shoulder.

            The moment he felt Joe’s hand, Barry broke. He didn’t care that two of his villains were standing over them, though both had the decency to turn away to give him his privacy. He shattered in his foster father’s arms, shaking uncontrollably as Joe pulled him against his chest. He didn’t cry or scream. He just stared silently at his bloody hands.

            The Snarts rode off on their motorcycle not long after. The other metas were long gone. Barry knew that Cold had something to do with the truck malfunctioning, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care as Joe helped him out of the S.T.A.R labs van and into the cortex.

            At least the incident kept Joe from saying “I told you so”.

            The alarm went off, warning them that the particle accelerator was fully charged. And Eobard Thawne was approaching the building. Barry pressed the transmitter in his pocket, hoping that Malcolm was close by enough that he could get there in time.

 

 

            “I guess I should thank you.”

            The door to Eobard’s cell closed in front of Barry and Malcolm, the speedster still unconscious inside. The billionaire assassin shrugged.

            “It’s never a bad idea.”

            A humorless smile grew on Barry’s lips. “After this, I’m done.” His eyes were locked firmly on the cell, but he could feel Malcom watching him with interest. “No more superhero-ing. No more of this life of secrets and betrayal and death. Once I help Oliver and Thawne is dealt with, I’m through with all of it.”

            “Through with Oliver, you mean.” Barry tried not to flinch at the assassin’s perception. “After all, you entered this life for him, didn’t you? To protect him from the police and help him defend Starling? One could even argue that you became the Flash for him, to honor him.”

            “I became the Flash to help people—”

            “If that were true,” Malcolm argued, “then you wouldn’t be so eager to give it up because of Oliver’s choices. Would you have given up everything if you’d never worked with Oliver, if you’d only ever been the Flash?”

            Barry turned his head to stare at the assassin, who was watching him with sad eyes. Malcolm was such a difficult man to pin down. Sometimes, his motives were so self-serving and clear. Other times, it was like he was a different man. Right now, he was looking at Barry with sympathy and pity.

            Without another word, Malcolm turned and walked out of the pipeline. Barry hung around, alone with his thoughts for the first time in what felt like forever. He knew he couldn’t hide in there forever—after all, he had to hold up his end of the deal with Malcolm and Oliver—but for now, he could sit in silence, away from the rest of the world, and cry.

0000000

            Barry once again found himself curled up in front of the cell that once held Eobard Thawne. It’d been nearly fourteen hours since the cell had been inhabited, but the other speedster’s words still rang clearly in his ears.

            _“Barry Allen, if you give me what I want, I'm gonna give you what you want. You can go back and save your mother. You can prevent your father from going to prison. You can reunite the Allen family.”_

_Barry gaped at his former mentor. “No.” He heard himself say._

_Eobard raised an eyebrow. “No? Think about what you’d be giving up, Barry. Your mother and father living normal, happy lives. You and Iris being together and happy.”_

_“What?” Barry nearly choked on his own spit. Him and Iris together? He honestly hadn’t considered it in years._

_Thawne tilted his head to the side curiously. “Oh, Cisco and Caitlin didn’t tell you when they found the newspaper in the time vault? Iris West-Allen, your future wife—the Flash’s lightning rod.”_

_A sympathetic smile appeared. “Oh, Barry. Didn’t you wonder why things never fell into place with you and Oliver? Why it seemed like the universe was conspiring against you? You two aren’t_ meant _to be together. The Green Arrow is destined to be with the Black Canary, and the Flash is destined to be with Iris West. If you go back, you’ll be setting things right—there will be no heartbreak for you, no bloodlust.”_

_“No Oliver.”_

_“Oliver will be a part of your life.” Thawne nodded. “But yes, your relationship will be drastically different. Things will be as they should be.”_

Barry wrapped his arms around his legs and dug his face into his knees, wanting to block out the world. Now, because he’d let Eobard get into his head, Eddie was dead. Ronnie was dead. Hundreds of innocent people were dead from the singularity, not to mention the property damage.

He lied to everyone, saying that he hadn’t gone through with saving his mother because of his future self, but really, his mind flashed back to all of the people he’d saved, all of the disasters he’d prevented, would have been erased. How different would his life have been if he hadn’t moved to Starling, hadn’t helped Oliver? Would Oliver even be alive?

He couldn’t make the sacrifice.

So Eddie, Ronnie, and all of Central City paid the price.

 

Footsteps echoed through the hall outside, stopping in the doorway of the pipeline. He didn’t raise his head to see who it was, but he assumed it was Joe.

“I’d really like to be left alone now.” He said, his voice muffled by the fabric of his jeans. Instead of leaving, though, his visitor walked in to sit on the floor beside him.

“Me too. But no one back home was going to let that happen until we talked.”

Barry’s head shot up, his eyes meeting the striking blues of Oliver Queen. The ex-billionaire smiled. “Hey, Bare.”

Barry’s mouth opened and closed about five times. Not twenty-four hours ago, he had an entire riot act planned out in his head. Now, though, face-to-face with the object of his emotional turmoil, he found himself drawing a blank.

            Oliver chuckled. “Everyone owes Dig money. He said that he thought you would be speechless. Felicity thought that you’d yell or cry, and Laurel thought that you would just punch me in the face. Not gonna lie, I _really_ glad you didn’t go with that one.”

            Barry continued staring at Oliver in shock. He was dressed in street clothes—a deep blue button up with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows and a pair of old jeans that probably were worth more than Barry’s entire outfit. God, it wasn’t fair how gorgeous Oliver was.

            A broken laugh echoed through the room, and it took him a second to realize it’d slipped from his lips. “Just when I thought that today couldn’t get much worse.” He laughed throwing his head back against the wall. Oliver, to Barry’s surprise, just sat there and watched, a sad expression on his face.

            “Why are you here, Oliver?” He asked through laughs. “Are you going tell me that someone didn’t make it because I wasn’t there to help? Or that you need me to come in and do something for Team Arrow?”

            The archer shook his head. “No, Barry. I’m not here to bring you any more grief.” He leaned his head back against the wall. “Actually, I’m here because I was on my way out of Starling, and I heard about the singularity.”

            Barry snorted. “So you came to make sure I didn’t destroy the city anymore?”

            “No.” He nudged Barry’s arm with his shoulder. “I came because I was worried about you. Caitlin, Joe, and the others in the cortex told me about what happened. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

            They sat silently, until Oliver reached over to tangle their fingers together. “I missed you.”

That was too much. Barry jumped to his feet and darted across the room. “Really, Oliver? It’s been weeks— _weeks!_ ” Anger, thankfully the non-blood lust-y type, flared in his chest. “You confessed your feelings to me, slept with me, and then drugged me!”

Oliver hung his head. “Malcolm was supposed to tell you—”

“Oh, he did.” Barry nodded. “But the fact that I had to hear it from _Malcolm Merlyn_ of all people makes me doubt the level of trust you have in me. Love requires trust, Oliver. If you did all of that in Nanda Parbat to ‘save’ me, or you lied again about loving me, please just say it. Stop stringing me along! Tell me that you never really loved me, that it was all another manipulation—”

“Barry.” The sternness of Oliver’s voice stopped him as the archer climbed to his feet. He took heart achingly slow steps over until they were inches away. “Don’t ask me to say that I don’t love you.” He raised a hand to brush his thumb across his cheek. “I won’t lie to you. Not anymore.”

Barry’s mind told him to push away as Oliver leaned towards him, but instead, Barry’s eyes slipped shut as their lips locked together. It wasn’t desperate or heated. The kiss was chaste and simple, and soft enough to bring a tear to Barry’s eye.

When they finally parted, the speedster gasped. “Oliver…you know that I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. But I have lost almost everything today. I am in shambles. I…I don’t know if I can continue doing vigilante work, and I definitely don’t think that I can live in the vigilante world anymore.”

Oliver shook his head. “I understand. That’s part of why I came.” He grabbed Barry’s hand again, and this time, the speedster let him. “I wanted to tell you that I’m giving up being the Arrow.”

Barry’s breath caught in his throat, but Oliver continued. “Ra’s al Ghul took it away from me, and honestly, it’s caused nothing but heartbreak for me. Dig, Thea, Laurel, and Ray can protect Starling. I’m going to go settle somewhere. And I want you to come with me.”

Barry’s jaw dropped. He tried to talk, to say _something_ , but all that he could say is, “Wha…?”

Oliver’s hands tightened around his. “Barry, I love you. I love you more than I thought was possible. And, if you’ll let me, I’ll spend every moment proving it to you. I’ve been reliably told that I’ve started becoming a new person. I’d like to find out who that person is, with you.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It was like something from a fairy tale—a handsome prince sweeping him up to carry him away from all his worries and troubles. Words couldn’t even express all of what he was feeling, so instead, he threw his arms around Oliver’s shoulders and took his lips in a kiss, much deeper and more desperate than the kiss Oliver had given him.

Oliver’s arms wrapped around his waist, letting a low moan slip out that made Barry giggle. He pulled away, just enough so that their lips were still grazing against each other.

“Yes.” He whispered. “Wherever you go, I’ll go. Just the two of us.”

Every ounce of tension that Oliver had drained from his body, and the archer let out a relieved sigh. “Just the two of us.”

0000000

He probably should have told Team Flash where he was going. Hell, he probably should’ve told Iris and Joe he was going. But when he arrived at the West house to get his things, he decided to write a note instead. After all, how could he explain to Joe that he was running away with the man that got him killed and broke his heart?

So, instead, he flashed his necessary belongings into Oliver’s car and settled into the passenger seat with a smile. Oliver drove them straight out of Central, past Keystone, past Hub. As they passed Opal, the sun began to set over the ocean. Barry stared out at it, all thoughts of the Flash, Eobard Thawne, and blood lust far behind him.

A hand resting on top of his pulled him out of his thoughts. When he turned towards Oliver, the archer smiling, though his eyes revealed his worry. “You alright?”

            Barry smiled back.  “Yeah. Yeah, I think so.” He looped their fingers together, and, for the first time in a while, he was grounded. “So, where are we going?”

            Oliver pulled their hands up to press a kiss to Barry’s knuckles. “Anywhere you want. Just pick a direction.”

            Barry sighed happily. The sun was shining. He was riding off into a new life with the man he loved. In that moment, everything was perfect. When he glanced back at Oliver, he could see that he was thinking the same.

            “You want to hear something funny?” Oliver asked suddenly, sparing a glance over to him. “I feel…happy.”

            “Me, too.” Barry nodded, honestly meaning it.


End file.
